… everyone’s having one so now I am too. Is it the changing season? Which is to say, is it pollen? warm weather? planetary alignment? the annual awakening of a demon that subconsciously encourages assholes to be bigger assholes? Well it’s one of those funks, to speak of it lightly, that I have a tendency toward every couple months anyway thanks to brain chemistry.

Hard to perceive an attainable big picture, have any willpower, care, or focus on anything.

Needless to say I’m surrounded by stress right now, my own and then some. At work, my store is going through remodel and I can’t even begin to list each transitional source of drama. At home, two tenants’ leases are expiring in just one month and to replace them I have one ALMOST-definite and another WAS-definite-but-has-now-disappeared. Lots of moving ahead of me… I guess. But more than the idea of not having a tenant I’m bothered that I’m being ignored by the friend who I mentioned “disappeared.” I’ll be anxious until I talk to him.

My “love interest” (whether or not I like that that’s what they are) is distant, to sum it up best into a word. He professes feelings while he skirts around acting on them, leaving me helplessly interested and confused and unable to settle my mind to see how things would actually work if ‘things’ were permitted to be. I’m stuck. Stuck in a phase undoubtedly worse than the alternative, perhaps ironically discouraging the alternative from soon taking place. Communication is so unclear on this that I too often find myself in a state of ‘waiting’ that should/would not be necessary.

Hard to breathe, tight chest, nausea.

I have no money. So I feel stuck in life right now altogether. I make money, it pays for what I have, then I have no money. There’s no wiggle room for anything in my life to change right now, unless I keep working hard and get a promotion I guess. Then, maybe.

CJ’s birthday is this weekend and we’re hosting a party at the fort for whoever wants to come. Setting this up for him and seeing his excitement is probably the only thing that’s made me happy in over a week, so I’m at least looking forward to that…

/rant